The Official Men's Halloween Costume Rankings October 23 2011
Halloween: the one night a year when girls can look down on each other for not dressing like a slut.
But take care lads, for the transformation of those who indulge on All Hallow’s Eve is deeper than mere superficial adornment. The psychological effect of casting off mainstream dress norms is profound. When we dress professionally, we act more professionally. That is a psychological fact. The converse is also true, and consequently there is no better time to meet a young lady than the night she's expected to unleash her inner bad girl. Halloween is the real Christmas for males past puberty.
The tragedy of Halloween is that too many guys fail to capitalize on this opportunity by picking bad costumes. There are certain costumes that will get attention from girls, and respect and laughs from men. Then....there are those that won’t.
From worst to best, here is the Ask Max's Official Ranking of Halloween Costumes:
5. Bad Couples Costumes
If you're in a relationship, chances are that your babycakes is going to want to do a couples costume. For some reason, her instincts may trend toward costumes that will make people think, "wow, he's whipped, and she is definitely cheating on him" instead of "wow, he's in a relationship but still a man. Cool couple's costume." Whatever you do, do not let her get her way with these.
4. Goofy Costumes
The biggest crime of the goofy costume is in the missed opportunity for garnering the right type of attention. Goofy costumes are the norm on Halloween, and your goofy costume is never as funny or original as you think it is, unless it's offensive or super weird. You'll get a laugh here and there, but it's not cool. You'd have more success wearing one of these out to a bar on a non-Halloween night.
3. Weird and Offensive
If you're going to go the goofy route, you need to go all the way. Offensive and weird is the name of the game. This will exhibit your disregard for even the libertine norms of Halloween as well as your wit and creativity, and provide you with plenty of attention and reasons for girls to talk to you. Chicks dig rebels. Or it'll just shock people and make them scratch their heads. Either way, mission accomplished.
2. Good Couples Costumes
If you must go the couples route, preserve your dignity at all costs. Stick to costumes with a power dynamic and that harness the power of masculinity described below.
1. Authoritative Costumes
The best costumes for a man are those that evoke hyper-masculine characteristics, that is, those characteristics that make women swoon: power, mystery, danger, and a bit of violence thrown in for good measure. No Virginia, women do not have a choice of what they are attracted to despite their vociferous protestations to the contrary... and neither do men, if we must be equalists.
Try to stay away from the conventional costumes like policemen, pirates, or vampires. Those are boring and unimaginative. Mix hyper-masculinity with originality and a bit of humor, and you’ll be Charlie Sheen Winning.
Grace October 26 2011 at 01:24AM
This is a great comprehensive article. Those offensive costumes really are awful though. I like the cowboy with Native American woman costume for a guy the best. He looks straight out of the movie Shanghai Noon.
Christy October 25 2011 at 11:31PM
This article is on point. The lame couples cosumes have got to go! The point is to try and be creative, but not dorky. LOL I think the ‘authoritative costumes’ sound great, but I have to disagree a litle with the vampire costume. Vampires are sexy(if done right)!!
Jeanne October 25 2011 at 11:13PM
I love the “good couples costumes”! The men’s costumes look great, and the women’s look HOT. The authoritative costumes are hot; I would love to see my boyfriend in the SWAT costume especially! So masculine…
Chronny October 25 2011 at 08:58PM
This article is great, mostly because it tells the truth which is to please stop wearing costumes in bad taste; and secondly becaue it encourages women and men to sex it up a little bit. In addition to the autohoritative costumes, I would also include warrior (think the movie 300 or hercules) costumes, as long as you have the body for it.
Chris October 25 2011 at 12:52PM
I was actually going to let my girlfriend pick out a lame couples costume until I read this. Thank you for saving my dignity Max…
Kevin L October 25 2011 at 12:52PM
C’mon…The Old Milwaukee is hilarious! Gotta love the Beast.
Amber October 25 2011 at 11:17AM
Finally a guy who seems to know what he’s talking about! As a woman, i must say he has some great ideas. No one wants a bad costume! Everyone likes a southern cowboy, not to mention a man in uniform!